One Spooky Chick

Love, Fatigue, and Trying to Find The Path, Part 1

I love my husband.

I am utterly miserable more often than not in our marriage.

I am trying desperately to figure out if our marriage is more good than bad, life-giving instead of energy-draining, whether it is something sustainable in the long term.

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When we married, it was after a whirlwind three months over the phone and AIM. We often find the same things funny, and we had, at the time, powerful chemistry. He had a social life and a job, and originally I was going to join him in Chicago after I graduated and take a couple months to look into graduate programs and museum jobs.

Shortly after we married, he lost his job - when I moved, I no longer had the luxury of taking time off. His only income was disability and unemployment, and shortly after all this, his disability was suspended because he had been collecting checks while working more hours than allowed. In the nearly nine years of our marriage since, he has not held a job aside from a few hours cleaning a bar on weekends, and he has only been in school for a total of four years. His disability is depression, and it has also somehow become most of his identity.

I am not perfect. I have CPTSD that was initially misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder (leading to years of futile attempts to find the right medication), and I have very flawed coping mechanisms. I can drink too much in an effort to escape my life and silence my demons, and I know that’s not right. I have a temper, and a tendency to hold in emotions until they blow. I have withdrawn to an enormous degree from our sex life - initially becasue I was working through sexual trauma, but now it’s probably just resentment I can. Not. Let go of.

But...

I have worked hard, and I am the reason we live in a nice-if-small apartment in a great city. I cared for him through hospitalizations, I tolerated his years on the couch doing nothing. I am in therapy, and I am trying so very hard to be better. I am trying to rekindle my writing, which people have told me for years I have an unusual gift for.

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I am trying, and I do not know if it is enough, or if I even want it to be.

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