One Spooky Chick

Love, Depression, and Needing Room of One's Own.

I am trying to be a professional writer.

I have the beginning of a graphic novel, a whole lot of poetry, and the outline of a horror novel ready to go. I write fast, and I don't generally need to revise much, so all I need to do is start typing.

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But.

My husband is always home. Always. He has no friends that he can talk to or spend time with, he has no outside interests, and his depression makes him unlikely to want to make an effort to change this. He says he's just introverted, but I have watched him withdraw over the past few years; he has stopped having friends, he has given up any and all creative outlets, and he has become reclusive, peevish, and oddly incompetent. He's going to be starting classes again this fall, and I am desperately hoping it will help. I understand he suffers from major depression, but I also know that his symptoms are likely worsening due to his social habits, or lack thereof. I don't think he should be some sort of party animal or anything, but a level of sociability similar to when I married him five years ago would be good.

There are many reasons why I want him out of the house; I wanted to try to use my unemployed time to write, and I haven't been able to for months - for better or worse, I am a writer who needs some level of solitude, and while he was willing for a while to go to the library for a few hours a week, he doesn't "get" my need for space, and was hurt and upset by the request...after a while he stopped going out, and I stopped asking him to. I want to get in shape and lose weight, but feeling crowded and as though I have no privacy sets off my binge eating, and I can't get a grip on it without time to myself. I just can't. I am less attracted to him, because he is always there. He has no outside interests to make him interesting; there is no mystery, no seduction, no longing. Between his constant presence and my unhappiness with my body, my sex drive is utterly gone. His peculiar incompetence hasn't helped, either. I worry that the ECT he had a while back did...something to his brain, but it might just be his isolation and worsening depression. I have no way to tell, since he refuses to see a psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. I tried to get us into couples therapy, but he was purely going because I wanted to, and wasn't even a little engaged in it. He didn't want to try any of the "homework", and didn't want to do any spadework on his own psyche.

Now understand, I am not perfect...as our marriage started sliding into this grey place, I dealt with it the way I always do - by not talking about my hurt or my needs, drinking too heavily, and (this last one is utterly uncharacteristic, and I have never done it before) kissing a coworker. I got caught, everyone felt terrible, but I decided to see it as a chance to make things better. I quit my job (which I would have lost shortly anyway - the business was being sold), got a grip on my drinking, did my best to make amends, and tried to get us into the couples therapy.

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I apparently am trying to do it all by myself.

I love my husband dearly, but I can't make us both well. I can't be the one nagging him to do the things he needs to do - I'm not his mom, and I refuse to be. I need to write, and that means time alone - a home that has no pressure from the constant presence of another person is just something I have to have for at least a few days a week. I feel like I'm going insane.

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What do I do? I have lost all perspective, and I need someone to tell me the shape of things.

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