I have written for years about my desperate unhappiness in my marriage. Well, I did write. Over the past two or three years, even that has largely ceased. My creative self went into hibernation, and my husband and I cycled through toxic behaviors and dynamics. I have been slowly going insane.
The trap in all of this is that I care for my husband; I want him to be well and happy, and I know he thinks he can be with me.
I also think he does not know what happiness would be like. I think he is wrong.
For the sake of keeping him safe, from suicide, from utter isolation, I have retreated into my old, bad coping behaviors. I repress and repress and repress and repress...until I act out. I binge drink, I rage, I try, subconsciously, to be the bad one so he will cast me away.
Understand, I take responsibility for my bad behavior, but it also isn’t occurring in a vacuum. I am a cobbled-together facsimile of a personality trying to react the same way a real human would react.
A week ago, I got trashed after work. He came out to tell me to come home. I snapped and asked for a divorce.
The way I did it was wrong, and he did not deserve that. I should have had the courage to bring all this up like an adult, instead of using liquid courage and rage to rip off the bandaid. That said, it had to happen. I have been, for lack of a better term, miserable...for years.
He is not bad, he is not abusive, he is, in many ways, a good friend. He is not a good husband for me; perhaps nobody is - perhaps the flaw is in me. I do not think, however, that either of us is inherently a toxic person. I think we create a toxic dynamic, and I think we are toxic for each other.
He asked, and I agreed, to wait until January to make a final decision, and to seek couples’ counseling. I am not optimistic it will save our marriage, but I am willing to do this.
I keep making progress as a person, only to loop back into these maladaptive behaviors. He is finally thinking somewhat practically about his future, and has finally sought individual therapy. I think we can both be much better, but I very much doubt we can do that together.
There is love, but love is not enough.